adamance | mental link

[At first, she thinks to ignore him. Right now, the last thing Lexa wants is to feel as if she needs to rely on someone else. Seeing Ilde in so much pain when she hasn't even lost her brood—and to know that Kylo Ren's loss must have been the catalyst to all of this—irritates her. Irritation is a selfish, individualistic feeling. She feels the loss of her brood greatly. She can't help it.

But it's that desperate need that brings someone to self-destruction that frustrates her more. And she knows Bellamy is no different in some ways, even if she favors him.

It's the favor that gives her pause, half-way to her quarters, fingers spread against the wall beside her.]

( Bring water to my room. ) [A pause, before she takes an uneasy step forward.] ( Please. ) [Tempering it with that word seems like a good idea right now.]

[ Lexa's right. Please softens the demand enough that it doesn't set Bellamy bristling. His response is wordless assent. The contact holds as Bellamy detours to collect a pitcher of water and a cup before finding Lexa's quarters. The Nest is vibrating with the repercussions of Ilde's grief but that recedes as Bellamy's attention narrows down to Lexa. ]

Here.

[ He walks into her room, hesitating only a moment in the entryway. Even though the way the Station is laid out lends itself to easily entering each others quarters, Bellamy still has a moment of uncertainty when faced with Lexa's private space. It still feels surprising that he's welcome within them. ]

Hold this.

[ He offers her the cup. He wants to ask what happened and that desire is clear in his thoughts, but he's giving her the room to stall if she wants. ]

[Being Lexa, she would prefer to have the ability to answer immediately. But the words are lost on her. Her throat feels dry, and her head aches, not unlike the times before, or when Cathaway bled memories into her mind. She takes the cup quickly and brings it to her lips, pouring the liquid down her throat. It's not enough.

But she hadn't asked for enough, so it's going to have to do.]

Whatever question you're waiting to ask, just know that I did not act out. [There had been some suggestion of it from Ilde, and before ... weeks ago, now, from Hux. The very idea that she wouldn't act with every ounce of available thought when moving to provoke people is insulting.

More than that, she tires of being burdened with the expectations of others, the very expectations her people laid upon her, without any service in return.]

[ She's hurt. Bellamy realizes that. The trouble with Bellamy is that his perception of injury is skewed. What does and doesn't register as severe has been altered by the harshness of the ground.

He steps in close, extending a hand for the empty cup. Lexa's discomfort pings in the back of his head. There's no way for Bellamy to take that from her. He doesn't have Sam's ability, and he doubts Lexa would let him take her pain even if he did. ]

I know.

[ Whatever Lexa was, Bellamy knew she didn't baselessly instigate. There were members of the Nest who would take that approach, but it's not how she operates. ]

Before I ask how it happened, can you tell me if you're alright?

[ Bellamy wants to give Lexa the room to deflect, if she feels the need. ]

I've suffered greater blows. [This affects neither her pride nor much else. It's more of a problem, a consistent one that will be blown out of control if she doesn't keep a leash on it. That may happen. She recalls Steve rushing in, fists at the ready—

Castor has always been a difficult entity to control. Sam Anders and Steve Rogers did what they could (do what they can, in the case of Steve), but it's difficult to keep that many chaotic individuals under control. She sees now that Ilde and Kylo Ren were a reflection of one another. Trouble in each of their own ways, but so much so that they could only be wounds that would exacerbate each other.

And that's what they are: wounds. She would never wish her current state of existence onto Steve, but the Nest as a whole will not be better for having them.]

But I haven't overcome the initial ... difficulties with my abilities. I intend to change that soon. [She has no choice. It's a decisive action that might strike a chord within Bellamy, but she has no choice. Lexa will give up what she can to win here. ... However winning might be quantified.]

[ She's right. Bellamy's concern twists into apprehension as his mind makes the leap from their abilities to what seems to be necessary to master them. It might be a necessary action to take, but it still feels like a risk. Even after discussing his options with Prince, Bellamy has been reluctant to take that leap himself. ]

How?

[ As he speaks, Bellamy shifts to sits down beside her. He doesn't ask. He's caught up in his own concern, but the lines between them have blurred. In moments like this, Lexa's rank becomes less of a defining element in their conversations. ]

It's still a risk.

[ Not that he needs to remind her of what she's risking. His fears are very present in his mind. Bellamy's understanding is that assimilation is a price for controlling their abilities, and he's seen more than enough to have deemed it too much to give himself over to. ]

My brood is gone. People here are desperate to remind me that I'm without power—as if I need to be reminded every waking hour. As if I lack the awareness that I hold no domain here. But the reality is that I'm powerless. Most will choose their broodmates over me if they have a choice. It's human nature. [Or less than human, as it may be with some of them.] To survive, I'll have to compromise.

[It's typical of Lexa to phrase it as a matter of strength or weakness, but she knows that she has nothing. Even when she had a brood, she failed to create successful alliances within it.

There is a point to where she will have to change to survive. Even if it's the very change she had hoped to avoid.]

Edited 2017-03-18 18:30 (UTC)

[ Bellamy stays quiet, letting that sink in. It's not so far removed from what Prince had told him would be inevitable. It seems to be the trade off. He wants to fight Lexa on it instinctively, the way he'd wanted to argue with Prince. ]

Don't compromise too much.

[ Lexa might be better at curbing the drag towards the Nest. Bellamy wants to be optimistic about both of their chances. ]

I'm going to have to do the same. According to Prince.

[ Bellamy still isn't sure if it's a title or a name, but the advice had felt sound when he giving it. ]

I came to this conclusion on my own. It was apparent from the moment that General Hux decided to destroy any understanding that we had with one another. [Now Hux was gone, and Lexa is the one who remains. Even if he did return—because he hasn't been asleep for so long that it seems unlikely—she would be caught in the same situation, forced to try to appeal to him as if she had something to answer for.

Despite the fact that he held a secret that could have (and did) tear apart the brood.]

But it seems that the Prince wasn't so unlike us, once upon a time. At least you have your brood. You can wait.

I can't tell if waiting is the best thing to do anymore.

[ It feels as if he's merely delaying the inevitable. From what Prince had told him, every moment spent here and every instance of minds brushing against each other brought him closer to being consumed. Bellamy suspects it's possible to brace against, but he knows it's already become too easy for him to reach out for his brood, as well as for Murphy and Lexa. It's instinct already. He doesn't know how to circumvent that, or if he even can. ]

Sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that I should.

[ The argument he'd had with Murphy underlines that. Bellamy would have come back to save the members of his brood. Leaving them felt like carving out his heart at this point. ]

I thought less of you for caring for them. [As if it was that simple. Admitting it is only putting sound to what had been so obvious before. Admitting it doesn't mean the judgment is present here and now. She thinks of Ilde's melodramatic pain, and knows that Bellamy is, at least, past that. He won't help slaughter people to make himself feel better.

Or whatever the equivalent to Ilde's mothering self-pity is these days.

(Lexa really had tried to like Ilde. Briefly. She had.)]

But that's like thinking less of you for being who you are. I liked members of my brood as they were, but we had little opportunity to grow close. You're far more likely to find reason to care for someone. [It's who he is. Asking anything else is like asking him to be someone else, which may defeat the purpose of doing it in the first place.]

[ Her admission doesn't surprise him. It lined up with much of what Bellamy knew of her, whether from previous assumption or from the moments they'd tripped too deeply into each other's heads to avoid seeing such truths. Bellamy recognizes what comes next for what it is: not an insult, but an observation. ]

You aren't the only one.

[ Murphy's face flickers briefly in his mind, there and gone again almost too quickly to register. ]

Can I help you? Now that they're gone, you'll need someone.

[ It's the first time he's offered so explicitly. Their understanding had been unspoken and underscored by their shared affection for Clarke. He'd been content to leave everything between them at that, but the loss of Lexa's brood seems to necessitate something more concrete. ]

[Bellamy's offer isn't surprising. By now, Lexa knows that any lingering connection being defined by Clarke would be nothing more than a ruse, one that they both allowed to remain between them. What she had just said is proof of that: she knows Bellamy Blake as he is, has grown to prefer his presence, and would like to have him continue living. That's why she had bared so much of herself to Murphy, and that's why she holds so much disdain over her failure there.

(She doesn't resent herself for her failure. Lexa is comfortably laying that blame on Murphy's shoulders.)

She looks away for a moment, gaze steady, as she seeks out the correct phrasing of words. Her mind hovers in a weird place between the two of them, both close and distant, like Bellamy is a familiar connection that she's willing to hold on to it.]

I already have you. [The words are simple enough. She looks to him with a focused look moments after.] Just as you've had my friendship from nearly the beginning. [What ire she had for him faded so quickly with the discovery of her death.

Now, it's just a matter of admitting the reality of their bond.]

[ The pause in their conversation doesn't worry him. He senses she's choosing her phrasing carefully. Lexa speaks more deliberately than Bellamy does. That tendency reminds him of Clarke in some moments. It's a trait he's encountered in most leaders, but he can recognize when Lexa is being sincere rather than strategic. They're affirming something between them. It's delicate. ]

I won't let you get in too deep, [ He promises. His mind flickers to Polis, the chipped army that had closed in on them. ] You can count on me for that.

[ There were many things he couldn't be to Lexa. He wasn't her brood, and he wasn't part of her people, not a grounder or Clarke. But he could be a tether. He could anchor her. They could anchor each other. That was as much a return of her statement and an affirmation of trust as he could offer. ]

I already made the choice not to get in too deep. [It's typical of Lexa to find some semblance of something to correct him on, but it feels important to her to clarify that. She knows that Bellamy may not have meant to sound as if he was keeping her from drowning in this existence, that he somehow had the ability to do that himself, but it feels important. Specifying that is necessary.

And maybe it is just for her, but it still aligns with how she's managed to maintain her autonomy thus far. She will continue.]

And remember that I'm not alone. I've never been. The previous Commanders have always been with me.

[ Quantifying absorption into the Nest felt like a futile exercise. It might not be as hopeless as Bellamy regards it, but all he has to conflate the nest with is ALIE, and there had been no way to avoid assimilation there. In Bellamy's view, the nest might take hold more slowly, but giving it an inch was only speeding up the process. ]

This isn't like anything either of us have dealt with.

[ But he thinks he understands what underscores Lexa's conditions. Lexa doesn't allow for dependence the way others may. Bellamy's attempting to take that in stride, rather than bristle defensively. ]

The safeguards we both have might not end up being enough.

I once justified my thinking to Clarke. [The words come slowly, like she's processing how to say this to him. There is a part of her that is tired of living in fear, the same way she had been before Clarke had led her to her bed. Those final moments together had felt like a reprieve, but now she knows that they were nothing more than a promise of what would never come. If she stayed or left, her life there would be over regardless.] That we have to be harsh. That we have to be relentless. Do you know what she told me? That life has to be more than just about surviving.

[After saying these words, her eyes meet Bellamy's. It's a lot to carry, but she has to approach a new philosophy here. Otherwise, they will never succeed.]

We will not win if we treat the Nest as our captors and our Enemy the same way. That's how Mount Weather kept my people weak for over fifty years.

[ Bellamy breaks eye contact when she mentions Mount Weather. They've been so far removed from their world that the mention is an unwelcome reminder. Clarke's hand beneath his on the lever passes through his thoughts before he shakes it away. ]

And you think we're stronger with the Nest.

[ At least Lexa's framing this as a strategic move. Bellamy's attachments are all rooted in emotion; it's happened in spite of his best intentions rather than because he saw an advantage. ]

And that Cathaway's an ally? And Prince?

No. But they are tools that we can use, just as the rest of the Nest is full of people that we can form alliances with. We can't afford to see them any other way, and it's apparent that just the two of us will not be strong enough to defeat this Enemy on our own. [She assumes, given their ability to access and attack so many worlds, that their numbers are much, much higher than anything the Nest will (or has had to) offer. Right now, her approach here isn't only based on utilizing those around her.

It's about living, so that they can seem genuine (and so Lexa can avoid another humiliating sequence of events with someone like General Hux ever again).]

WISDOM passing on her legacy, her knowledge, and showing a willingness for more	COMPASSION looking upon her people with care, with hope, and understanding a different layer of strength
STRENGTH strength is more than just mere words or mere actions—it is everything	PURPOSE being born for this

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