adamance | mental link

[She had arrived without her commander armor, which has made her feel bare in other ways. It's something she'll never reclaim, even if she had little need of it after Clarke had left her quarters. Grabbing a sword and dagger had been impressive enough. She only hopes they go to a world where they can be used in a less conspicuous manner.]

That's fine. I notice you haven't bought much clothes. We'll have to do something about that, too. They give us more freedom here, something neither of us can claim about our home lives.

[ Bellamy raises an eyebrow at her as he hits the button for the elevator. ]

I bought what I needed.

[ In all honesty, the idea of surplus, of having more than he needed of anything is a bit of a stretch. The books already felt like an incredible luxury, and Bellamy's carefully tended library has been about as far as he's pushed his boundaries. He bought a pair of sweatpants. What else can he possibly need as far as clothes are concerned? ]

It didn't matter at home.

[ Not as far as fashion, anyway. He lets Lexa step into the elevator first, punches the button for ground level. ]

We're no longer at home. Things change. [From his brief time in her throne room after Skaikru had been accepted into her coalition, it was likely abundantly clear that Lexa wasn't beyond using what resources she had to dress nicely. Having more things available to her had been new, as she didn't have to have everything altered for both her and Clarke to manage (as she did after Clarke chose to stay in Polis).]

Or become as they should be. Our world should have never burned, but it did. We have lost so much, and we will still love our people even if we have more pairs of pants.

[#deepphilosophywithlexa]

[ The reference to Earth as "ours" is unexpected, and notable enough to hold Bellamy's attention before he considers the point she's making. The common ground they've found is still new enough to marvel over, still feels as unreal as many aspects of Concordia, the Bearings and their nestmates.

Bellamy shrugs, the movement nearly obscured by his jacket. It's hard to pin down the exact cause of discomfort for him and to decide whether it goes deeper than concern for his people. ]

I don't think we should get too comfortable, [ is what he finally decides on, but he gets on the lift anyway, so clearly he's going to allow all of this. ] I'm not sure I know how things should be.

[ Concordia still feels strange to him, too far removed from everything he's experienced to be an ideal. The presence of AI's compounds that, even if he's keeping that distrust quietly to himself. He knocks the button for the ground floor with a sigh. ]

I'm not going to buy anything if I don't like it.

[ So basically, they're doing this, but he's going to complain about it. ]

[The attention to such a small detail does draw her focus, but only momentarily. Like Lexa always is, she only feels as if she needs to give an explanation when the situation calls for it. If Bellamy is making something out of that, it is only because their arrangement is not yet as comfortable as it could be. Then again, she doesn't know that it will ever be any definition of "comfortable" given the tension that could always brew between them.

That they've avoided it thus far is a relief on its own.

There is a great deal that is concealed here. So accustomed to holding back pieces of herself since she's arrived, it becomes habitual by his side. She trusts him more than most (because Clarke trusted him more than most), but there are things that came of the conversation with John Murphy that she isn't ready to deal with just yet. The list itself is growing longer and longer.

She looks forward with a cool gaze, but Bellamy will see the uptick of a smile in the corner of her mouth.]

I'm not suggesting that we be anyone other than ourselves. We won't get comfortable with that arrangement. [But given the way she dresses, there is a part of her that does enjoy the fact that she can have this luxury. It's apparent.

She's also just glad she got her way, too. Sorry Bellamy.]

Edited (hmm i can't decide if a comma goes after sorry but i didn't like the way it looked so w/e) 2016-09-17 03:15 (UTC)

[ The quiet sense of Lexa's self-satisfaction reminds him of Octavia, strangely enough. It's the same kind of pleasure he remembers seeing on her face when she'd gotten Bellamy to do something for her, whether it was another story or a piggyback ride. Recognizing a similar sentiment in Lexa, expressed in such a small, restrained way, adds another chip to his stony perception of her. Bellamy doesn't comment on it. ]

We will if we aren't careful, [ He tells her, knowing full well it's unnecessary. It's just objection for the sake of it. ] Speaking of careful, I'm looking into weapons.

[ Which is an abrupt segue, and now the kind of shopping Lexa has in mind. Bellamy doesn't have any leads anyway, just a faint desire for a gun under his pillow. It won't offset the lingering realization of his own weakness, highlighted by the fallout from his discovery of his powers, but it feels necessary.

They could have discussed this inside the Bearings, but Lexa's right. Bellamy does want to talk about Murphy, on top of the bits and pieces of his time inside Ven Diagram that he keeps turning over in his head. ]

You wouldn't know, but they limited our choice of weapons because of Ilde's actions on our training mission. [It's important for this to be clear. But speaking of comfort and weapons, it's important to outline something else: the fact that she's holding true to her people's way when it comes to guns. It's stubborn and may prove to cause her more harm, but the thought of wielding a gun still feels as if it's an act of betraying everything that she is.

And she is their commander.]

I had the option to try to train with guns back in the Station, but I chose not to. I believe they should be available to you. [To anyone. Perhaps their effort in this mission will also make those of them who want a gun receive it, but it's hard to say.]

[ Bellamy sighs, frowning. What could have possibly happened to invoke limitations on the types of weapons they're allowed? Surely the success of the mission meant they should be allowed whatever was necessary, and yet— ]

Should I bother asking what she did?

[ It might be utterly futile to get worked up about the situation. Cathaway and Prince don't strike him as the kind of leaders open to negotiation. If they did, Bellamy would have already sought them out to try to persuade them to send him back after he'd accomplished everything they needed from him. Weapons are a smaller matter, but depending on what Ilde had done, may meet with the same kind of stonewall Carata had indicated.

The elevator pings to announce their arrival on the ground floor. Bellamy's gaze flicks to Lexa as the doors open, studying her face. ]

Do you have access to a weapon you can use?

[ He's not going to push her to use a gun. But he is going to push her to have something on hand. ]

She responded to a threat with what might be called due diligence by some. She killed the man before seeing if he would make good on it, but I have reason to believe that she provoked him at the same time. [It is Ilde, after all. She does that. There were other deaths, but they were only chastised as openly for the one. After all, it was the very same one that got one of Angel's brood killed.

(And therein lies why Lexa holds a grudge for it.)]

I have a sword and dagger. The dagger is present when I can bring it, but the detection in this world is difficult to bypass. Still, I make do. [She's a "Grounder." She can probably make a weapon out of anything.]

[ Bellamy takes both pieces of information in stride. Ilde's unpredictable. That's not new information. Lexa's well-armed when she can be and prepared when she isn't. Bellamy nods, accepting it all. ]

I'm not as good without a weapon.

[ Which she must already know of him. Bellamy's voice is pitched low as they walk through the lobby, so as not to alert anyone around them. This isn't exactly typical daily small talk. ]

But I thought it'd be good to have a back-up, something our hosts haven't provided.

[ It's a foolish impulse, but one Bellamy can't help but give attention to. ]

You're wise to perceive your failings for what they are. [That said—and there is a condition here, like she's pausing before proceeding to speak. She just doesn't say the "but." It's merely offered to him by a flicker of her eyes as she recalls their previous conversation.]

Don't let this be a method to remove yourself from what you did before. We have blood on our hands, Bellamy.

[She doesn't want to sink them back into that conversation, and there is no sense that she needs that. Lexa just hates beating around the bush when she wants to make certain something isn't what she fears it is.]

[ He doesn't deserve the distance from his sins. It's hard to acknowledge fault in front of Lexa, but they've slowly moved past the point where Bellamy's denial would be vicious and knee-jerk. ]

I never forget that.

[ It's just one more thing Bellamy feels too strongly. With the illusion of necessity long-since removed, all he has left is guilt over the lives he's taken. He protected no one. He can't escape that, even in this strange new world he's woken in. ]

But I still want to be able to protect the Nest.

[ Even though he's ambivalent about immersing himself too fully in it. ]

The Nest, or those you favor within it?

[Lexa's reply is short, but there's a reason why she's asking. One is not the other, and she won't support him in something that will only hurt him in the long run. If she were Clarke, it would be different. Even Lexa knows that.

But this is where she differs, where she sets the lines that can be crossed.]

Edited 2016-10-16 05:06 (UTC)

It doesn't matter, does it?

[ There are people within the Nest that Bellamy doesn't trust yet and hasn't fostered strong feeling for. But his connections have spider-webbed between broods. Bellamy loves too fiercely and is loyal to a fault; he'll protect the interests of those he's grown attached to even if it means shielding people he has no opinion of or attachment too. ]

I felt it when Anakin died. It hurt all of us.

[ Ergo, the way to protect those he holds affection for best is to protect the Nest as a whole. Bellamy wants to believe that's a goal that's emanated solely from him, without motivation from the symbiote. ]

He was a casualty we could not afford. [The words come out almost automatically. Knowing of his relationship with Ahsoka, she can see where he would have had value to the Nest. But she knows this is where she differs from Bellamy, outright struggling to see people beyond the pawns they may represent on a chess board.]

But there will be losses that hurt that we can afford. Living to prevent them all will only cause you pain.

[ The immediate, snapped response passes through Bellamy's mind. He's careful to wait it out, and be more selective in his response. In the end, it's simple, clipped. ]

I can't accept that. Not if there's anything I can do to prevent it.

[ Pain had always been a consequence of protecting his people. It's familiar, even if the members of the Nest aren't. The words are heartfelt, but grim. There might not be anything he can do to prevent more death. Bellamy realizes that. He shakes his head, tucking his hands into his jacket pockets. ]

Where did you want to go? [ It's a little abrupt, an attempt to change the subject. ] Which shops?

[Oh, she's not relenting that easily. Lexa looks at him steadily and begins to walk, to lead him in the direction of the train that will take them to the right section of the city. She can look as if she's answering with action, even if her mind doesn't feel as if it's moved on.]

You can't prevent it. And only self-importance will lead you to believe you can. You can't change what you've done, or base your further actions on that. Not everything is about you and your perspective, Bellamy. [At least she doesn't directly hold her people out as those he's killed. No, this is more a general statement, acknowledging that he, like Clarke, likely bears the ache of killing all those within Mount Weather as well.]

[ She doesn't yield. Bellamy isn't sure he expected to her, to but he's still exasperated as he follows her to the platform. Defensiveness prickles to the surface of his mind as if to ward away her words.

It's about atonement. He can't speak that aloud to her, but it colors every action he takes. There's mercy in her refusal to place the lives of her people at her feet, but Bellamy feels the weight of them aside Mount Weather and the Culling anyway. His thoughts skip through the tally as he shakes his head. ]

You don't know what I will or won't be able to prevent.

[ But clearly she knows him well enough to make shrewd guess about his self-sacrificial nature. Bellamy's not comfortable with that. ]

I have to try.

[ Even if it's ill-advised. ]

[The train door opens as she processes those words, and she strides inside, assuming that he will follow at the same time. Once they stand side by side inside of the train, she points her gaze up to his face again. It's not a sentiment that she's personally familiar with. Trying against all odds, doing self-sacrificing things ... she can respect it to a degree, but heroism isn't a trait that any commander embraces.

Strength must be proved, but not through ignorance.

It's only when her eyes point back in front of her that she speaks:] You sound like her.

[There's no need to declare exactly who the "her" in their conversation happens to be. Something twists sharply inside of her.]

I've seen only pain brought by that type of thinking, Bellamy. [And she's failed to protect Clarke from it. She suspects it will be the same with Bellamy.]

[ Lexa's scrutiny is like a physical touch. Bellamy can't be sure what she's looking for. Sincerity, maybe. When her gaze lifts, Bellamy exhales slowly. He expects further remonstration, not the comparison Lexa comes out with next.

Her is weighted with such significance that it leaves no room for misunderstanding. But that doesn't mean Bellamy feels as if it's accurate. Bellamy aspires to Clarke's ways, but he strays too easily. He shakes his head, as much a dismissal of being compared to Clarke as it is to Lexa's objection. ]

There's going to be pain either way.

[ That was one thing he'd learned. All life had to offer was pain in one form or another. But there were ways to make it more manageable. There was a way that made it easier to live with himself in the wake of it. ]

We both knew that.

[ Or Bellamy had, to start with. Clarke had learned. Bellamy wishes she'd never had to come to such a conclusion, but he bites his tongue rather than let the conversation steer towards Mount Weather. ]

How many stops?

[Every bone in her body aches with the desire to admonish him for his thinking. It sounds like it isn't far from "we'll hurt ourselves because we know nothing else." It isn't the type of thinking that inspires strength. To her, it sounds as if they are accepting the weakness and bearing it because they know nothing else. Overcoming it is what is most important. Before she died, she never got to tell Clarke that. She knows now that it's likely she never will.

(By loving Clarke, she had allowed herself to overcome a great deal.)

Instead of pursuing the conversation, there's a sense of disconnect in the connection between them, like she's withdrawing from pushing him so hard. If she were Clarke (and she's aware of this fact all too clearly), she knows she'd have kept pushing. Lexa is not Clarke. This subject will come up again and she'll broach it then, but for now, it's better left to the awkward silence that will now permeate between the two of them.]

Three more stops, [she says, and then points her eyes forward. Everything from here on out will be mechanical and rote. It might be better that way.]

WISDOM passing on her legacy, her knowledge, and showing a willingness for more	COMPASSION looking upon her people with care, with hope, and understanding a different layer of strength
STRENGTH strength is more than just mere words or mere actions—it is everything	PURPOSE being born for this

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